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World's Best Advice for your Common Cold!

127. Repost part 2 “Speech from Common Cold Convention

CONTINUED FROM PART 1

Over-The-Counter common cold remedies

do they really work to get rid of your cold? Or are they just very expensive placebos?

 

Repost from www.ThoughtCatalogue.com

(NOTE from Peggy The Doctor’s Wife: this is a fictional humor essay, but I appreciate its critique of the ethics of the hugely profitable, yet ineffective, cold remedy market for the pharmaceutical industry

Third, our beloved lobbyists. We appreciate you continuing to dispel rumors that a cure for the common cold was invented in 1952. It was not. And if we occasionally come up with a cure for the common cold, please know that it’s simply because we ran out of marketing ideas.

Lastly — and relatively new members to our brethren, who are quickly attaining a reputation as earners — I’d like to acknowledge the creators of the magic elixirs, who have convinced people they can stave off the common cold with vitamin C powders, magic bracelets and even magnetic toe rings. Stand and take a bow. I speak for this entire auditorium when I say we are truly looking forward to your line of tattoo cures in 2013.

I know we’re all excited to get to the happy hour and toast our good fortune, but I’d like to reminisce for a moment. I don’t mean to get sentimental — we all know the danger of contracting conjunctivitis from public crying. But whenever I see people sharing a ChapStick, or an obviously non-monogamous couple kissing in public, or someone ordering a draught beer in a seedy bar — it brings a tear to my eye, not to mention a ka-ching to my soul, because I know the state of the common cold is strong.

Okay, enough dripping eye and nasal secretions all over each other. Queue up the PowerPoint. And because this convention is flush with cash, I present to you at a ridiculous cost the one, the only, Beastie Boys.  [cue music band ]

119. Quantum cure from extraterrestrials (part 2)

Not surprisingly, there is the usual misunderstanding of quantum entanglement as somehow affecting large, macro-level objects that woo-meisters of many stripes routinely demonstrate. None of this is particularly surprising. It is, however, rather amusing. Or it would be, if these charlatans didn’t apparently charge a fair amount of money for their PAK™s.

In fact, there’s seemingly nothing that QuantumMAN™ can’t do! Apparently, you can vaccinate yourself against malaria, influenza, and even the common cold! You can even protect your children from becoming addicted to meth by downloading some ZAG goodness into them, or, failing that, cure them (or yourself) of meth addiction.. If you have an infection, you can treat it with a quantum antibiotic, and if you’re in pain, you can take Zaxis™, which promises 24 hour pain control. Why only 24 hours if quantum medicine is so much more awesome than regular medicine? Who knows? Then, of course, there are a wide variety of ZAG products designed to help you lose weight because, well, you know, all that dieting and exercising is just so “chemical” compared to the quantum goodness at the heart of QuantumMAN™. You can even undergo a form of “quantum gastric bypass surgery” by reprogramming your brain, if you want. Even more amazingly, if you’re a female going through menopause, you can provide yourself with quantum hormone replacement therapy.

And, of course, if all else fails, there’s always Quantum Doctor (QDr™) or Quantum Chiropractor (QChiro™), while you can also detoxify. Quantumly, of course:

116. My own cold’s progress day 3

Vaseline petroleum jelly is a great balm for your nose and lips when you have a runny nose.

Vaseline petroleum jelly is a great balm for your nose and lips when you have a runny nose.

Continued from Day 2

 

 

I’m learning so much from becoming a quasi-hypocondriac, self absorbed in

studying every aspect of my current rhinovirus.

I came up with a couple of new tips too!

So, as you may notice, this is the 3d day of my apparent viral infection. Therefore my claim about getting better in 1-2 days is not working, is it? Well, I cannot guarantee the course of anybody’s health, there are wayyyyy too many factors to make a guarantee.

And in the case of cold viruses. Significantly, there are over 200 types of cold viruses and they each may behave differently, plus they are often mutating (which I do not yet understand).

So, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong, it can mean that this is a stronger strain of the virus, or I was overtired….or something…

But at any rate, I promise to be honest about the progress, whether it makes me look good or bad on this blog.

New Tip #1  A heating pad. I found our old one in the cupboard, turned it on high and slept with it on my chest and throat all night.  Felt really good!

our house is heated unevenly, so living room tends to get overheated and my bedroom is cooler. And I seem to be that way too, lately I’m spending a lot of time alternating between too cold, and putting on more layers of clothing, drinking more hot drinks, and then all of a sudden I break a sweat and have to throw it all off..

New Tip #2 Smear your nose and upper lip with vaseline petroleum jelly before it gets raw from blowing your nose.

The first day my virus was just a tickly sore cough in my chest, now yesterday it turned into a runny nose, and occasional coughs. And now I’m going through the kleenexes. With more runny nose after I drink more hot teas. This is flushing the virus out, though. so its good.

But Vaseline prevents that rawness around the nose, and is generally good for my dry skin too. (also helps with hair coloring treatments to prevent color stains on the skin.)